omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize