I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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