i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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