my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize