I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
