dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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