fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
