ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
