I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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