There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
