I am spending my child support on dildos
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
