I think my fart just growled at me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
