Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
