you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
