I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
