we made out on top of his cat.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
