For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
