it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
