I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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