Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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