Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
