see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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