life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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