I wish I could teleport
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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