I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
