U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
