some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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