do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
