If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
