My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
