Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
