You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
