just tell him i said nine months
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
