the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
