The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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