When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
