You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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