at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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