my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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