I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize