Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
