He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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