Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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