I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
