Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize