shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize