What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
