so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
