Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
