Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
