i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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