It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
So squirting runs in the family.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
