Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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