I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
it's like iHOP with fire
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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