i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
