Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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