Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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